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12 September 2008 @ 05:43 pm
it's a perfect night for feeling melancholy  
Last day of term. Which is brilliant and utterly terrifying... It is depressing how little work i have done. and for most of the year i have still gotten really good marks... lately i have been getting some B+'s.
Its disheartening.
And my self esteem as it is, cannot really cope with it. I know it is easily remedied by doing some work... but i have so much trouble doing it...
It really is just laziness...
god, i hate myself so much sometimes


Also, I have been thinking a lot about my father lately...
I used to say that if ever given the chance I would not go back in time a stop my father dying, because it would have changed the direction of my entire life. I would not have gone to my school, not have met all the people in my life, not have had the relationship with my mother i have.

But I honestly don't know what my answer would be now, especially considering what could have been had he survived. I feel that, the huge gaping hole inside of me would never had existed. I am so utterly alone most almost all of the time, just deep ache that exists, and no one i know has ever filled it. I imagine i am somewhat at fault for that, as i never let anybody in...
I suppose i fear i am not good enough to be loved...


Anyway, i got a haircut. Very happy with it



Photobucket
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